I have been meaning to write a blog by this title for some time. What that means is that I have been feeling overwhelmed for a long time. I'd like to stop the world long enough to hop off, do a long list of things, sleep for about 6 weeks straight, and then hop back on. Stop it turning and stop time flying long enough to catch up (whatever that means).
I know that "falling behind" is purely psychological and that whether I accomplish anything today is really irrelevant (perhaps only to my boss). But still, sometimes it seems to me like the world is going so fast that I can't keep up.
In the past month or so I've had terrible headaches, worse than normal, which has knocked the wind entirely out of my sails.
Two weeks ago, I started a new drug (for pain) called Nabilone (also known as Cesamet), which is a cannabinoid. Nabilone is a synthetic form of THC, which is the active compound in marijuana, and has been found to help with all sorts of things, mostly with the nausea and pain of chemotherapy.
For the first few days it just made me sleepy and relaxed and a little "out of it" at work, but when I increased the dosage last weekend, I felt definitively stoned, for lack of a more euphemistic term. I'm not sure if it's helping my headaches, but who cares! I want to sleep all day, eat the whole time I'm awake, and I feel great! In the last week, I think I've gained about 5 lbs from having the full-time munchies.
Seriously, it's a dirty drug with a side effect profile that isn't great. And my pain hasn't really subsided by any great measure. Anyone who experimented with "mary jane" in their 20's will recall the (a) spaciness and lack of focus (also called happiness) (b) the general relaxation (c) the pasty dry mouth (d) the slits-for-eyes (does anyone else find it bright in here?), (e) the sense of joyful well-being and (f) the insatiable hunger for junk food.
If I manage not to lose my job and gain 100 lbs in the next month, I think this drug will be a success.
A few weeks ago I started to feel seriously depressed, and luckily that seems to have passed thanks to lots of sunshine (after two weeks straight of rain) and, perhaps, my new drug. I think my deep psychological rut (which felt like an abyss only a week ago) was a combination of my depressing trip home, the exhaustion of chronic headaches, a third round of sinusitis, a serious bout of the flu, and some miscellaneous work and home stress.
I don't think I actually fantasized about killing myself, but I did think a time or two how nice it would be to drift into a nice, warm fuzzy sleep and never wake up again. Or what I should say is never wake up with another blistering headache and have to go to work again. Plus, six weeks straight of post-nasal drip and sinus congestion is enough to make you go postal.
That being said, of course I would never willingly "do myself in" but I was pretty close a couple of weeks ago to checking myself into a nice hospital for a total and complete nervous breakdown. I think this would be an effective way to Stop The World, as they say. Plus, how lovely would it be to have an IV bag of liquid valium and a friendly nurse to change my bed every day and volunteers to bring around books and magazines and ice cream on little carts?
Yes, the chronic psychological stress of headaches and family worries took its toll. I was totally lost and didn't know where to turn. So I cried and slept and didn't sleep and raged and wept and got up and went to work every day anyway.
Oh, and did I mention I am now officially fat? I am not sure when it becomes official, but let's just say that my little cute micro fat rolls I developed this winter - they now have their own little rolls of fat, making double rolls. Seriously, I probably weigh about 150 lbs which isn't obese and isn't the end of the world. But after years of working so hard to stay at my ideal weight, I am not happy with this extra 20-25 pounds. But I have zero energy or desire to take it off. Well, I have the desire, but I don't even know how to start modifying my diet. I was always so strict with myself and exercised religiously, and now that I have let it all go, I don't even know where to start.
I don't mind the way I look, really, but the social pressure is ridiculous. Everyone is so thin these days and the teenaged girls are positively skeletal. Buying stylish clothes is hard, even at this weight (hello thighs!). And don't even mention bathing suits to me. Sometimes those burqas (burkas) that Muslim women wear don't seem like a bad idea. Imagine not having to do your hair every goddamned day? No more ridiculously complicated and tight women's clothing! No more shopping for ridiculous shoes! No more worrying about stupid outfits! I would consider this a blessing at least 3 days a week. I love fashion, but I hate trying to be fashionable when most stores don't seem to want to dress my (now very) curvy hourglass figure. Fuck 'em. I'll just wear my burka today.
So anyway, that's my self-pitying essay.
In other news, and there is always other news as the world continues to turn, with or without me:
- We have a wonderful trip planned for September (two weeks!) that I'll tell you about soon.
- My young cousin Alex graduated from university with his education degree and so we're hosting a little grad party for him and his girlfriend Chelsea (who also graduated!) tomorrow night. I've ordered a Congratulations grad cake and we will barbeque buffalo burgers and have salads and enjoy our glorious back yard.
- We've done plenty of gardening in our yard and it looks lovely. This includes working on all the beds, planting new perennials and annuals, and lots of containers. Despite my bout of depression, I managed to get lots done in the garden! Spending money at garden centers is a wonderful cure for the blues. I will post photos soon.
- I've done virturally no decorating. I did temporarily hang lovely new silk curtains in the living room but still have to get the appropriate rods rigged up. I hate window hardware!
- I went to my dermatologist today and he removed two annoying little moles (right near my bra straps) that have been rubbing and annoying. He also prescribed a medication for my face - I've had no end of dermatitis since moving to Calgary - which he said will clear up my skin beautifully. Unfortunately the medication is Accutane, which is a horrid drug that is a teratogen and causes birth defects and dry mouth and prevents you from healing properly (causes scars if you need surgery, etc). It is a nasty evil drug. Luckily I do not plan to get pregnant soon. But still, do I want this toxic drug in my system? Would I rather live with a flaking dry peeling red face or liver damage? I'm not keen to take this drug, but he's prescribed a low dose for 2 months and will see me again. I'm torn, because my skin looks great one week and awful the next and I'm tired of its rebelliousness! I'm tired of zits and red rashes and itchness and rosacea. That's what I get for being a fair-skinned english rose, I guess.
Oh, and to top off this wonderful month, I fell down the stairs on Tuesday night! I bruised my tail bone and all the muscles in my hips and butt. I could barely walk before today. As I was going downstairs, I reached out to pet the cat (who was coming up!) and lost my balance and started to fall. Since I was wearing slippery gym sockettes on my feet and my Lululemon yoga pants (very slippery), this did not help with stopping. So I fell all the way to the bottom. I really thought I had a broken back when I landed. Let's just say, I've learned how to put on my socks without bending over this week. And I've also learned that when you cough or sneeze, your little tailbone wags just like a puppy! Ouch! Coughing kills my coccyx. Who knew?
So, after that shitty month, I'm happy to be alive (and still employed and able to barely fit into a few of my once-baggy clothes). And thanks to my new Mary Jane drug, I'm fairly happy.
I still wish I could stop the world long enough to get back in shape and do some of my summer projects, but the world doesn't work that way, sadly. So back on the horse for me until the next wipeout. High ho!
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