~ out of focus ~

I feel madly out of focus these days and can't get my bearings.  I suppose this is normal when a couple of bombs go off in the middle of your life (a death, a transfer to a new job).

I am developing a garden obsession...

But I can't seem to get my head around this new reality. Things that meant a lot to me before (like decorating) seem suddenly meaningless.  I still adore the idea and the images of beautiful spaces, but the spark has gone out.  I look at the rooms and it's like two heads looking:  one is the old head that loved these rooms and the other head is new and declares everything pointless.  

I think that my senses are so dull that I'm looking for images I've never seen before, or a perspective that is crisp and fresh and new.  I can't even describe it, the decorating drug I seem to need.  When I hear Lauren (beautiful, deeply talented and passionate Lauren at Pure Style Home) talk about planning to decorate her new home and see all her passion and beautiful creativity, it makes me totally excited for a change!  Not when I see a horribly ubiquitous poster (Keep Calm...) in a magazine (maybe I am just anti-establishment all of a sudden?)  Or when I see a Domino photo I missed, it reminds me how fresh it all can be. But most of it just seems like a big pile of steaming sameness.  I know this is a rut and I apologize to anyone I've offended.  This is a spiritual rut masquerading as a decorating one.

Or maybe I have tipped from addict to decor junkie, seeking harder and harder drugs to satisfy my (increasingly) dull mind?

Anyway, besides this decorating numbness, I have developed a strange interest in new things (heaven forbid!).  Yoga, for example.  I know yoga is cliche, and I have explored it several times over the years, but in January I found a wonderful teacher whose style just resonates with me.  After 3 months of practice, I am starting to feel alive in my body again.  There is some type of journey starting, and I find myself feeling like yoga can provide some answers to rather deep-seated questions - I just feel so desperately hungry for something that it appears to satisfy.  But I think maybe it's just that the practice takes me out of my mind (my busy, busy mind) and gives me some much-needed mental rest.  I am doing two sessions a week and want more.  And I am reading yoga blogs.  God help me.

And besides yoga, I can't seem to get enough flowers.  It is like an eternal Valentine's parade in my head. I am obsessively planning my summer garden in my head.  It is still chilly here and about 3-4 weeks from planting time, but I already drive by the garden center wistfully.  It's like I am craving visual stimuli, and some kind of weird organic connection, to make me come alive again.  All day today I pondered whether a bed of herbs or Swiss chard would be better in a certain spot.  I mean...REALLY.  What happened to paint colours and fabric samples?  I still love them, but I am hungry for more. And reading...I have about 5 books on the go.  I am like a creative-consumption machine.  I have been thinking about starting painting (canvasses, not walls).

What's wrong with me?  Maybe it is just Spring...and my body's way of healing itself by connecting with the earth, with deeper meaning, with life itself.

Thoughts?