Thursday, January 10, 2008

Humanity

Thank you, each and every one, for all for your sweet and insightful words after my confessional dispatch the other day. Thank you for taking a few minutes to write something thoughtful to me. I appreciate it more than you know.
*

I’d rather write each of you a personal note of thanks for sharing your heartfelt suggestions and hard-won advice, but this post will have to do for now. Most of the comments I received came from the bottom of your hearts and offered understanding and empathy, which is all one wants. To be heard. And to feel like they are not alone. I know your lives aren’t always a picnic either, so thanks for taking time to listen and let me have my monologue for a few minutes. In real life, it is so rare to be properly listened to.
*

I don’t expect anyone to fix my life (which for the most part, doesn’t need fixing), but really just wanted to vent some personal frustrations and observations. Mostly though, as the writer Joan Didion said, “I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking”. I write to find out how I feel about things, and to help sort out the muddle in my head. Sometimes I don’t even know what precisely is bothering me until I begin.
*

I am generally a positive, cheery, and optimistic person who tries to make the best of things. I am a person who counts my blessings daily (and they are plenty) and who finds joy and humour in the small moments of life. I also find a lot of things which sadden me and I’ve witnessed my share of unfairness in the world (which, I might add, has also made me a champion for the underdog!). That reality has given me a healthy dose of cynicism, for which I am proud. I don’t want to be a sheep, and I don’t want to look through rose-coloured glasses all the time. I don’t even care if people get me most of the time, because I have always felt a little misunderstood. I often seem to have different views from the pack. I see the good in the bad, and often the bad in the good. This seems uncommon. But it is just who I am.
*

Which brings me to the purpose of this blog.
*

After writing my last post (which was enormously cathartic, by the way), I awoke the next day feeling utterly horrified that I had spilled my guts on my pretty little decorating blog. What was I thinking? You see, there is a very big part of me that loves the confessional, the straight goods, the putting-yourself-out-there for the whole world to see. But I spent much of my 20’s and some of my 30’s doing the overtly confessional/self-help/introspection thing and now I am tired of it. When you are in your 20’s, you want to say to the world “look at me, look what I’ve figured out!” but after a while you get tired of thinking so hard and tired of your ideals and just start to accept the world, and yourself, for what it is. Then, you don’t need to share these infinite observations. They are enough to entertain you in your head. You also realize you are not so special. You realize life is big and you are small.
*

So there I am, stuck in the middle. I want to write about my life and my innermost feelings about that life on my blog. Yet, at the same time, I want my blog to be pretty and light and airy. I want it to be about the one thing that always cheers me up.
*
There are 1000 other things in my day, including headaches and engineering, and all the lovely and annoying people, and the books I’m reading, and my family crises and my weight, and my closest relationships, but I choose to write about something pretty. I choose to write about beauty, which sustains me, and about my home, where I take my comfort.
*

So it is a little conundrum. I wonder every day how personal I should be on this blog. Should I post these photos, should I write this? What will so-and-so think of this? It is such a mixed audience too: new decorating friends, old headache friends, other engineers, new and old acquaintances, far-flung family (who must think I am a total flake after all those years of being so driven), my Mom (who must sometimes shake her head), old school friends who probably think I should be more evolved than this. But so what? This blog is La La Land and it is mine.
*
So for all of you, my constant readers, who come here to look at pretty pictures and visit me for a minute, even if it all sometimes looks shallow and trivial, thank you. This blog’s for you!

*
And from time to time, forgive me if I get a little serious on you...

12 comments:

  1. I don't write all the things I would like to on my blog, sometimes I feel so fake, because my blog is sooo shallow and I envy all personal bloggers. Maybe someday I will have the curage to melt my two worlds together. Please don't just write about decoration, tell us more about you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are a prolific writer. I envy how well you are able to articulate your thoughts. It's pretty inspiring.

    There is great beauty in darkness so soldier on. I truly believe that letting the dark thoughts take over for a bit makes you appreciate the sunshine and the pretty things around you that much more when you come out of it.

    Thank you for sharing the intimate parts of your life. We should all have such courage.

    I think I'm going to rename my blog La La Land (not any time soon though). I love that. It describes my little non-descript blog to a T. I don't seem to fit in anywhere really in the blogging world but I don't mind so much.

    Here's to us La-La Landers!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Terri, it is hard to know what to write, what to share, and how people will respond! But that is the beauty of a blog, it is yours and yours alone! It doesn't matter what others think, it is for you.

    Life is sometimes happy, sometimes sad. Sometimes lovely sometimes not. If you are inspired to share sadness on a given day, it will resonate with someone and might even help someone else who is crying too. Or it will reveal greater depths to who you are and people will respond to your transparency by becoming greater friends. When people come to read your blog, they make a decision. If they are inspired by you or feel a kinship with you, regardless of your topics, they can visit again. If not, they are not one of your people! :-)

    You don't need to show beautiful pictures to inspire people. I love beauty, but I love people more. In fact, I come here because I think YOU are a great person. A deep thinker. A wonderful ponderer. You make me laugh & cry and feel something. I think when I am here. Beautiful pictures can inspire, but really we can find beautiful pictures everywhere. Being real is even better than having a blog of beauty but empty of heart! You do an amazing job!
    Take care!
    xoxo
    Melissa

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lisa, Nimi, Melissa - you melt my heart!

    ReplyDelete
  5. We are complex human beings. I love that you write about more than just the lovely. Though, I am delighted to know that you purposely choose to look for beauty. That optimism is priceless and will take you far!

    (Hope that I didn't overstep my bounds by anything that I shared...whatever it was. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore!)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear Terri!
    I think it is interesting when u write about u and your feelings, I recognice myself alot.

    It is difficult to write out on syberspace about inner toughts and family memebers or things just wanting to come out of my head. I live in a small community where everyone knows everyone in one way or another... I really would like to write alot alot about things in my life and on my new work, but I have to back off alittle, it is to sensitive..

    Take care
    Many hugs
    Katarina

    ReplyDelete
  7. Unless we create a blog for every different mood that hits, which would mean waaaaay to many blogs out there, it is nice to see other people like yourself. The good, the bad, and the rest. Superficial friendships don't last long or fulfill most needs women have. It is the true spirit, the ups and downs that makes contact. You are more admired for having the guts to put it out there.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am a new visitor to your blog and these latest entries you have are exactly how I feel sometimes. I believe this is why we blog to expres our thoughts and feelings about everyday living and of course decorating. I am so sorry that you are in physical pain and I hope that at some point in your life you are able to feel the sunshine again. Many Blessings.

    Blanca

    ReplyDelete
  9. Terri, I am also new to your blog. Your last two entries are so...beautiful. Beautifully human and so beautifully written. In your writing, I see someone who is incredibly perceptive and self-aware. You voiced so many of my own feelings about life, getting older and just trying to get through. I look forward to visiting you again! Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Well, I am new to your blog and how does anyone respond to someone they do not know! But I feel that a blog is therapy---a place of freedom to write your thoughts out, put things on it you love, etc--it is mostly for you. Of course there are the people that drop by now and then; but one thing I have discovered, is that everybody has problems and pain in their lives and if not now they will; this life is this way. So when you share your pains, frustrations, etc there is always an echo in other people's hearts--most have been there or are there. I know it seems weird to say, but I think this is part of the richness of life. It is in suffering (unfortunately) that I have learned the most about myself and about life....about God too. There is something about suffering that makes us stop and think. ...it drives us to another dimension (sp?). It also makes us look at the world, the universe, and people in a different light. But it is not easy when we are in the pain and in the suffering, especially when we have no hope of relief. I think hope is vital. I used to have this quote on my header: "Hope is hearing the melody of the future. Faith is to dance to it now". God has given me that hope for the future--even if it is in a future world, I carry the hope. I find that hope is beautiful,,,,hope makes endurance possible....it makes the suffering teach me things about myself and I better stop here!! But when we are in the midst of suffering , and it gets hard to bear that is when we need others to share the burden with--others help us to bear the burden. May God, himself comfort you , and may you have others around you that can help to bear your burdens when they get to be too heavy!

    ReplyDelete
  11. The blog is YOURS, you get as serious, or as un-serious as you want to be. I will be here irregardless.

    (ps, I often feel the same persure you are tlaking about now on my blog, "Should I talk less about the baby?" "Should I talk more about the headaches" ect. I've decided to talk about whatever I'm feeling that day).

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear Terri, now when I have read your two notices I understand why you wrote about space and light.
    I can see that you are feeling a bit lost and your body is aching. I could say that it is one side of life, we all know that we have to meet both happiness and sorrow. But words like that does not help when you are feeling sad. Sometimes you need to change your life and try to feel better. Maybe you are on your way doing that.

    When I started my blog I decided that I would only write about positive things. I had been through hard times and needed to focus on the happy side of life. But maybe you need to share your problems with us and it is nothing wrong with that. Continue mixing interior with private thoughts! We love to hear more about you and we love you!

    xxx

    ReplyDelete