Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Unrequited Love

I've concluded that my body hates me. As much as I LOVE it and treat it tenderly, this is a case of severely unrequited love. It doesn't return my affection nor my calls. It delights in my misery, likes to watch me suffer. But then other times when I turn away, neglect it, treat it poorly... it comes back eagerly, lovingly, seeking my approval. Look at me! What a nice body I am! Happy!! My love for it is like a bad romance novel. I feel confused, jilted, troubled, neglected, an obvious glutton for punishment.

Today is a case in point. I awoke with a scorching headache, had a rotten painful morning. My brain felt like a heavy grey exploding sponge. I couldn't think. But I *earned* it by not being trigger-faithful. I went to bed too late. I ate half a chocolate cake last night (the caffeine!). Then this afternoon work was chaotic, incoherently busy. And my headache? Right now, the brutal morning headache-cum-2pm headache has disappeared into the ether. I feel fine. A-okay. Alright, so there's something simmering, but it isn't supposed to be like this! I feel good. There is no explanation.

Most days it's the opposite. I go to bed on time, eat well, try to relax, walk home from work, stay hydrated, take it easy, avoid triggers, don't indulge in red wine ever, have no fun, and the headaches are brutal. Usually, I'm the healthiest person on the planet and my head feels like it's about to blow off.

So I've concluded that my body hates me, would rather be with someone else.

It seems impossible that these mixed signals come from the same body.

I think it was Wednesday last week that I walked home from work in the throes of a severe fibromyalgia episode, with my back and legs and hips and arms and neck aching like mad, and my head aching to match. I felt like my legs weighed 500lbs each, and that my skeleton was a million years old. I felt cobwebs growing in my soul.

And then Thursday, I got up and walked to work and didn't have a pain in my body. I felt limber and loose and fit and focussed and light as air. I don't have many days like that. As anyone with body pain or head pain can attest, we are finely tuned to pain, have heightened awareness to our bodies' subtle innuendo. But that day, I couldn't even feel anything bad and I recalled how it felt a million years ago when I was a teenager and I didn't even notice my body attached to my head. Is this what normal people feel?

How can my back and neck and head ache so badly most days that I feel ancient, tired, worn out? And the next day feel as light and happy as a bubble?

My body's all messed up. I have an abnormal reaction to stimuli, painful or not. We all know about migraine and headache affecting the pain pathways, inflicting themselves on you forever by messing up your circuitry so you can't stop feeling pain ever. Over-sensitization to pain. Reaction to pain that isn't there. Eternal misery. Unrequited love...


  1. (((((Giant hugs))))) OH I understand.

    The way I see it, my warranty ran out 11 years ago (when I turned 25). That will teach me not to buy the extended warranty!

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